Can conflict in family be a good thing??!!

In conversation with Professor Dale Bagshaw, she says …

‘Family conflict is normal and necessary – it’s how we handle it that leads to constructive or negative outcomes’,

Dale is one of Australia’s most eminent leaders in the field of family services, especially later life families, involving elder Australians. She is a highly commended, award-winning contributor to innovative services. She has more recently specialised in the provision and training for elder mediation in families. (Dale’s impressive biography is below.)

I began our conversation by asking Dale why she thought, in her vast experience, conflict was becoming so common in Later Life families. I reflected that it is more common than not, to hear stories of disharmony, sometimes outright conflict.

She responded by saying: “Conflict itself is not the problem. Conflict is normal for good decisions, intimacy and learning – it’s how people approach and handle conflict that makes it negative or healthy. Conflict has always existed in families and is necessary when important decisions are to be made. Differences need to be aired and understood and new options may need to be explored to arrive at a good outcome for all involved, in particular for the elder.

“Compromise is often necessary, or where there are value differences people may need to ‘agree to disagree’. Sometimes families need help from a mediator or counsellor to arrive at outcomes that everyone is happy with, especially the older person”.

It’s a refreshing angle on a worrying issue. Often people in Later Life families find themselves caught up in disharmony. The changing needs of older family members can give rise to siblings being out of accord, disputing which priorities and resources are needed to find solutions. I often hear a family member comment that they never expected this kind of disharmony to occur in their family. While the reasons for this can be complex and vary from one family to the next, the prevalence of disagreement within families is widespread.

It is interesting to think about conflict as being necessary and healthy.

However, Dale emphasises very firmly that no matter what else is going on in the family – the voice – of the older person must be heard and understood, directly or indirectly, and take priority when decisions are being made about them.

All too often, the dysfunctional and emotive nature of disagreements can leave us focused on our own needs and preferred outcomes, sometimes losing sight of the older family member and their wishes and needs, all together.

For this reason alone, it is so important that families seek help to deal effectively with their disagreements. The older person’s safety, rights and interests must be central and respected.

As well, though, disagreements can mean distress for each family member – and each and every family member needs to, or at least deserves to, come through this Later Life family time with a sense of “we did that well”.

So handling conflict constructively within the family is, or should be, a serious priority.

Dale’s experience as an elder mediator has seen families move from being lost and fractured within their unending arguing to finding productive outcomes that are respectful for everyone.

With the right supports, then, it is possible for families to turn negative conflict into healthy outcomes.

Dale says there are various ways families tend to deal with conflict, for example,

• Withdrawing: not handling it: ignoring it or walking away
• Giving in: letting someone else have their way – “it’s easier”
• Compromising: a ‘give and take’ approach that involves giving up on some aspects rather than finding a ‘win win’ outcome
• Collaborating or problem solving : where different points of view are shared and communicated respectfully, key issues are clearly articulated and different options are explored; leading to outcomes that everyone can agree to

Finding a collaborative positive outcome, however, isn’t always easy without outside support.

It may not have been typical for a family to find themselves in intense disharmony, in the past. Disagreements in Later Life families aren’t necessarily related to “family history”, which is why disputes at this stage often surprise people.

There are structural issues in today’s service provision that make solution-finding truly difficult. There can be a scarcity of appropriate services, for example, Home Care, or a worry about the quality and staffing levels in aged care facilities. Legal requirements may mean some family members will play a more formal role in decision-making than others.

It’s a complex mix thrown into a time when siblings have possibly not been close for some decades. When an older person becomes less independent in Later Life, adult siblings (often with families of their own) can be thrown together to make serious decisions, sometimes under crisis conditions.

Conflict can be particularly difficult to handle when there have been separations and different spousal partners over time, with step or half-siblings involved.

There can also be cultural or generational beliefs that families “should” be able to handle all of these demanding pressures, complexities and tensions – themselves. However, it can be an unreasonable expectation.

Times of intense disagreement can cause pain in the family and not always evenly. The longer conflict goes on – unresolved – the more entrenched it becomes.

Poorly handled decision-making and conflict impacts – first and foremost – on the wellbeing of a vulnerable elder but can also affect the well-being of every family member.

Dale points out that when not discussed or dealt with, conflict can ‘fester’ and cause ‘cut-offs’, sleeplessness, depression, anxiety and other forms of ill-health. (Power imbalances can also lead to elder abuse whether it be psychological, financial, physical or social neglect.)

Dale’s experience has shown that it is important to seek help before conflict is out of control.

Expert third-party intervention can set the family down a healthy pathway and make a positive difference to the overall experience and outcomes.

Professor Dale Bagshaw has been an outstanding innovator and driver of service change in the fields of family services and mediation for many decades. More recently, in 2013, Dale was awarded the Sherren Leadership Award by the Elder Mediation International Network for her ‘contributions to the global advancement of mediation with age-related issues’. In 2014, she received the LEADR Michael Klug Award for her ‘innovation and leadership in the field of dispute resolution’; and in 2015 the Resolution Institute’s Practitioner Award for her ‘contribution to the development of others in Dispute Resolution’. In 2019 she received the Association for Conflict Resolution’s John Haynes Distinguished Mediator Award, presented annually by the Association for Conflict Resolution to a ‘prominent and internationally recognized leader in mediation who demonstrates personal and professional commitment to finding mediation solutions to conflict’.

Dale is an adjunct Professor, Justice and Society, University of South Australia, the Chair of the Elder Mediation Australasian Network (EMAN), and an Advanced Certified Elder Mediator and Board member of the Elder Mediation International Network (EMIN).

For Dale’s full biography see https://people.unisa.edu.au/dale.bagshaw

Elder Mediation Australasian Network website for resource information: www.elder-mediation.com.au